If the burning bush, talking serpent, and the talking donkey conversed with each other, how would the verbal exchange go?  

Ooh, I love this question. Here goes:

‘Hey, Bushy. How goes it?’

‘Very funny, Snake-Eyes. You know very well that nothing “goes”, with me. All I can do is just sit here, waiting for another Moses, who I just know won’t come till history starts all over again. It just burns me up thinking about it.’

‘What about Elijah? Wasn’t he here the other day?’

‘Pah! Don’t talk to me about Elijah. The guy was so exhausted for having run all the way here from the Galilee in forty days and nights, one nothing more than a cake and a cruse of water, he didn’t even see me.’

‘Trust me—having to crawl everywhere on my belly just to get around, constantly in danger of being crushed under some human heel, is no picnic either. It’s Toni, here, who has it cushy.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ said Toni dolefully, as she came up the hill. ‘You try riding with bloody Balaam on your back all day long, whacking you repeatedly with a stick because he can’t see God’s angel standing, clear as day, right there in front of you with a raised sword in his hand. You’d be all too happy to slither away or just sit there in the middle of the desert, with nobody bothering you.’

‘The truth is, none of us have it easy,’ said the snake. ‘Life’s a bitch, and then you die.’

‘Yes, well, if you hadn’t tempted Eve into eating from the Tree of Knowledge, none of us would have been in this predicament,’ said the bush. ‘I wouldn’t be burning, Toni here would have frolicked happily with all the other wild asses, and you would still have legs and chatting up birds in the Garden of Eden.’

‘Give him a break,’ said Toni, uncharacteristically spirited as she spoke up in the snake’s defence. ‘He just played the part he was given. The real problem—what all our troubles have in common, in case you haven’t yet noticed—is humans. Take them out of the picture, and the whole world will go back to normal.’

‘True enough,’ grumbled the snake. ‘Fortunately, the way they’re going, it won’t be long now.’

‘Why, what time is it?’ asked the bush, who was not much good at keeping time, since every day was like the next.

Two minutes to midnight,’ said Toni explained, helpfully. ‘That’s why I’m here. I wanted a front-row seat.’


Q: Was the golden calf of the Bible not Israelite at all, but actually the Egyptian Apis or Hathor?

It was definitely not Hat’ḥor , for the simple reason that a number of statues of Hat’ḥor at the turquoise mining site now known as Serabit el-Khadim were defaced with Hebrew graffiti—not something that worshippers would do:

The Egyptian goddess Hatḥor (a.k.a. Astarte) at Serabit-el-Khadim in the western Sinai Desert

This occurred at a time corresponding to the expulsion of Canaanites and other western Asians from Egypt by the founders of the New Kingdom around 1550 BCE—which is the most likely inspiration of the Exodus legend.

The most famous of these inscriptions (above), says, in the Paleo-Hebrew script (upside down—i.e. inscribed by someone sitting on top), Mat[tat] le-Ba’alat = ‘A gift for the goddess’—a sarcastic reference to something undoubtedly unspeakable that they left on the statue, as further desecration.

Baalat means ‘Mrs. Baal’—in recognition of the fact that the goddess Hatḥor was in fact the Egyptian incarnation of the Canaanite goddess Astarte (a.k.a. Ashera, Ishtar, etc.), who was the wife of Baal, the chief Canaanite god.

Since the inscription is in Canaanite, and the Hatḥor/Astarte was worshipped by all Canaanites except the Israelites in their new, Moses-led religion that we now know as Judaism, it follows that the vandals in this case must have been Israelites. The casual, slipshod manner of the inscription (upside down, and not on a straight line) suggests that it was made by young hooligans, as well, not at an official desecration ceremony—likely with the encouragement of Moses himself or one of his priests.

As for the ‘golden calf’, this was more likely not a calf, but a bull, representing not Hatḥor, but Baal himself (the Bible’s reference to it as a ‘calf’ was the attempt by the biblical compilers and editors to denigrate it, and to obscure the fact that the incident was a case of Baal-worship). It happened because when Moses went up Mt. Sinai to receive the Commandments and failed to return after one, two, three, four, five weeks and counting (he returned only after 40 days), the Israelites quite naturally got cold feet and fell back on their ancestral religion.

Long after Moses’ return, however, and the resettlement of Canaan, worship of Baal (and of Astarte) remained a deeply entrenched and persistent feature in Israelite religion and tradition—not least because all other Canaanites continued to worship him—so much so, that even centuries after the Exodus, in the late First Temple period (ca. 950–585 BCE), Judean and Israelite prophets and righteous kings still struggled to root it out.

Amazing what one can tell from a simple graffiti inscription, isn’t it?